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Helpless Sheep Blaming God for their Miserable Life

Hello Rosemary, if I may offer a suggestion, it seems that your own guilt is crippling you. God is there with open arms like the most loving father, but if your heart is closed, intentionally or not, he cannot help you. Seek the ways of love. Perhaps you are in a very negative environment which is hampering your joy of love. If so, seek to remove those elements of negativity, or remove yourself from such a negative environment. There is so much love in the world, such as nature itself, which is a great source of inspiration and positive energy for me and which I consider the body of God himself. Praying is good but it is also important to be proactive and take greater command of your life. Jesus, Paul and all holy people walk the earth with a purpose, aim and resolution. They are not lost sheep like loose leaves in the wind. Such people get swept up and taken advantage of by those with evil or selfish intent. Do not let yourself be commanded by them but you can grab the reigns of your life in faith, still follow Jesus, make things better and eventually help others find the same. Karel

 Hi Rosemary, grace to you. Please never give up, we are still in the time of grace. I’ll pray for you. I’m also sharing this email with a friend who helps many people draw close to God. May the blood of Jesus cover you and may the Lord reveal to you what His wishes are. ———- Forwarded message ———- From: Rosemary You know what makes me even more sad is that what I knew I do not know anymore my head is so empty, when I read the Bible I forgot immediately after I close my the Bible, I cry everyday my heart is hurting into many pieces I have a pain on my wrist for more than two months now, is it because of the sin I have committed?**** ** ** I love my God with all of my heart I don’t know how can I regain His Peace, Love and Joy, I don’t have love anymore in my heart I am also cold like I don’t live in this world. I don’t have fear but I try with my own strength. Please help me, I can’t kill myself but I feel like there is nothing to live for if I don’t have God in my life. **** ** ** *Sent:* 30 September 2011 02:06 PM *To:* Rosemary *Subject:* Re: Please pray with me**** ** ** Stay Humble before God, and pray all night if you have to. Cry before God, and truly repent for you sin. If you need help overcoming it, He can help you, if you are determined to obey and follow God. **** On Fri, Sep 30, 2011 at 2:20 PM, Rosemary wrote:*** * I hope you are doing well. I have fallen. I feel very empty. The Holy Spirit has left me. I have sinned against the Holy Spirit with my thoughts I don’t want to go to hell. I am asking for a second chance from God.**** I have come to realise that the Holy Spirit of God, Peace and Joy have left me. I still pray and read the bible but all that I am trying hard to do is not working seeking the Spirit of God and asking for forgiveness and trying hard to repent I have come to realise that I do not deserve the forgiveness of God but I need it and when I read the book of Hebrews 6: 4-6 I will never receive the forgiveness of God. Please help me and pray with me in humbleness I need to serve God again.

 Lol,thats funny. Thanx for making me smile. Ill tell you my stories(which might take forever) but keep in mind that I do believe that God is the Alfa and Omega, it just seems that He might be picky to whom He gives happyness. I grew up in a very small town,the last daughter 2 my very sickly and dirt poor parents. They and expecialy my my father had faith like a rock and made sure that God was a part of my life everyday. Being poor i grew up with the knowdlege that charity and “ag shame” kept us clothed and fed and everyone knew that. None the less i was happy and peace and loved by all in town. One Sunday morning i woke up with my dad screaming in pain holding his head. He had a stroke died 3 days later in his sleep. This was the begining of the end i believe. Mom lost the person she loved most in life and could after that not find the strength to keep me on the way dad had planed for me. A week after his funeral i went to my first dance in a hotel. I was 14. We moved from a small home to a horsestable which was fixed up for us on a plot. I was happy there. But mom could not keep us going and we had to move to boksburg. It hurt like knives in the heart leaving all i knew and loved. In boksburg i ended up moving in next to people that got me into their church. I was in church 7days a week. Soon i was telling myself im holy and my family is going to hell. I felt ashamed of them. After finishing school i went to nursing school with a passion to help the sick and be even more “holy”. I soon faced a differnt reality. I lived in a nurseshome and could not go home often as i had no transport. I was not excepted by the others and found out what it is to be alone and scared. I soon lost my “holiness” and could see that i had wronged a lot of people. On one of my few nights out with a friend i met the man who single handedly ruined all hope of a good life for me. I instantly loved him above all other. I dont know how that hapened! He was without job and a no good womaniser. My mom beged me to get away from him. 6mths later mom died of cancer i was 19. She died knowing im a lost child. I soon left my studies and nursing to keep an “eye” on johan. At 21 i was pregnant. He was so happy. But soon was back to his old abusive self. My oldest sister became my rock and help. My som was 11mths when he left me to move in with his pregnant “girlfriend” how i wanted to die then! The pain nearly made me lose my mind. His family and my sister helped me up and gave me hope again. I lost weight went back to nursing and soon me and his sister moved in together. I was happy. But he knew i still loved him and was at my door whenever he needed me. I told myself its payback to the cow that took him in the 1st place. She left him after 4years and 2 kids later because he was destroying her also. My older sister that was my rock died at age 32. I was at war with God. He was taking every single thing that i needed and loved. My life once again was not mine my middle sister moved in with us because 3mths after my oldest sister died her husband moved in and she wasnt needed to look after my deceased sisters kids anymore. This was a big blow. My sister is a manic depresive,that has no social skills or friends. She latched on to me and my life and will never let go. My friends and social live disappeared as she would always tag along and held on to me so that no one could even talk to me. I lost hope got fat again and just lived for my son. Then my deceased sisters husband asked us to take their kids as he was moving away. They where 12 and 8 yrs old.there i was 26 yrs old head of 3children and an manic depresive that would get mad if i went anywhere without her. This was not the plan God! Johan striked at the perfect time. He needed a roof over his and i somebody to keep me from falling. I never stopped loving him. He was the same man only worse. He destroyed what ever was left of me. Once again i was pregnant. But the worst was to come. The years pased. The kids was happy. I on the other hand was barely alive. He kept up my praying and bible studies.he got married to a wonderful grl and good stepmother to my kids. Although he never up 2 now stopped playing the field. He has the life i want. He has one child by her and shes pregnant with the next. I have not had another man since i was 18. Then disaster struck again. My sister got fired. They couldnt take her depresion and antisocial behaviour anymore. There i was 32 very alone. Having to hold up 4kids and my sister at R5000 a month. I started to lool for another job and even went for training. No surprise that no one wants this loser. I was trying to get even closer to God as i knew he was all i had. I struggled for a year. My sister got a minimum wage job,but too late. We lost the flat and everything else. We now live in a half built flat/garage with nothing left to loose. Except that my sister is having trouble at work again,and no doubt is going to be fired again. Where can i go from here? I do not blame God for not wanting me,its plain to see that im not all that. I just so wish for somebody to hold me and say its ok! I think me and God are not wasting our time with each other anymore. This i think is my last hope to find Him. What is sin against the Holy Spirit? Did I do that and is that the reason God does not acknowledge me anymore? And why do we pray le Thy will be done? As oppossed to what? My will! Nothing i ever willed happened, so whats hapening must be His will. So where do we have free will? My life was a war zone. He did everything to let me know im nothing. She did everything to hold on to me and he would answer by trying to get me away from them. My brother lives in botswana and only knew me when he droped his kids of over school holidays. I was 4mths pregnant when he droped them again. I oneday found msg on his phone that my brothers daughter send him. I knew life was going to get alot worse. I kept my eyes open and saw nothing. I was working night duty and when i got home one mrng my sister told me she caught them kissing. She was 13!! He was at work and my sister and the kids went away for the day. I phoned him,he denied it saying my sister was trying to get rid of him. I knew the truth. I felt shame that i never felt before. I was not going to look anyone in the eye again. I drank sleeping tablets and hoped the pain and shame would be over soon. He rushed home because he knew that this could end in jail. He found me got me to hospital in time. He never felt any guilt just told me that im a miserable loser. The shame burnt me alive. I told him he beter get me and my son somewhere to live i cant see my family ever again. He got me a room i lived like a squater. My brother meanwhile let me know that he never want to see me again. If only i could die. I payed to God non stop asking him for help. He did not answer! My sister got a hold of me just to tell that my deceased sisters 2 girls admitted that he was trying his luck with them also. They where 14 and 12. I had no other choise i had to crawl back home like a mangy dog. This was followed by huge fights and court orders agains johan. He was kniving me with ìs acid tongue every time he game to get my son and later my baby that was barely a wk old. He was living with another one of his girlfriends and having a ball everyday. He was given a life and i was left behind in absolute hell. I turned to God. Studied the bible and prayed all the time. He never even answerd. Life started normalizing. I made my peace with what i had in life.

Hi sorry for the late reply but things have really been hectic. As I wrote last, I wrote the below quickly, shortly after I read your email on my mobile, but the next day I decided you need more encouragement and that perhaps I was a bit too harsh. In any case I’ll leave the message as is, because I think the general point is important, and just try to offer you some encouragement to empower yourself. Yes, we all have free will, as I will explain.

I certainly sympathise with your situation, for your life truly does seem like a misery, but I have to disagree with you on one point. You say you do not blame God, but you are blaming him. You say you have no free choice and that you have given your will to him, but who was it that chose to become mixed up with that asshole? Certainly not God and that was your own free choice. In fact, against the preachings of the bible, which says you should not marry, but if you really have to (because you cannot control the passionate urges of your flesh), then it should be to another believer. Did God send that asshole to you? No, that man was simply exercising his free will and saw an opportunity: to take advantage of someone like you. I get many emails from believers who are like sheep and who think that serving God means to give up their free will and float like a leaf in the wind. But did Christ live like that? Certainly not. God sent his only son onto earth to serve as an example for us. Was he floating like an aimless leaf when he denied himself of food and water for 40 days and nights in the desert? Certainly not. This takes an extremely strong will. I know myself because I fast every year – 12 days with only water, within a period of 40 days without any beer, meat, cigarettes or other toxins. That is hard enough. Was Christ floating like a sheep leaf when he got angry that merchants were selling in the house of his Father and started overturning tables and screaming at people? If you want to submit yourself to God’s will, then submit it to HIM, and not just to whatever comes along. Then God can start to work wonders in your life. Listen for his advice and follow it. Or use your common sense, and/or the advice of sound people like myself (how do you know that God might not be talking to you through me?), grab the reigns and control of your own life and MAKE IT FOR THE BETTER. If you want to be noble you can give up all your worldly desires and suffer for Christ, to glorify him. But surrendering yourself to the first asshole who comes along and makes you feel good with flattery, and then suffering the consequences of your naivety, is certainly not suffering for Christ. It is suffering for your bad decisions and not following God. You can read the bible and pray all you want, but the bible is like a manual of suggestions for us how to achieve a more noble life. If you do not follow it, or listen to the advice of God, in whatever form it may come, all this reading and prayer will be rendered useless.

Hope this helps you. I don’t mean it badly and I do sympathise with your situation, but it seems you needed some rebuking and waking up.

Praying for you, Karel

Further notes that I have added over time:

The bible talks about being a soldier of God: helmet of righteousness, breastplate of truth and all that. So be a soldier and not a sheep. Take control of your life and serve God.

Another point of reference I’d like to mention is where the devil tried to convince Jesus to jump off the cliff after he did not eat or drink for forty days in the desert. The devil is smart and shrew, and it is a viable argument, but you can read Jesus’s response. Again, using reason, not let himself get tempted, and take control of the situation.

And lastly, some suggestions from some good people I ran into during my travels. From a woman who can be more compassionate and encouraging. She suggested:

– that your pain and struggling could be part of your journey through life with God. You can look at it as a growing experience of your spirit. Use the suffering to help develop your spiritual self. There can be sense in anything. Be careful as sometimes people think serving God is to automatically be a victim, or you are serving him by a victim. Surrender yourself and keep praying to God.

> So, a different approach, but I hope that something in all this text will help you.

Praying for you! Karel

I can only try to encourage you to hold onto your faith and not give up. Sometimes we can get arrogant and God might step in to “break us down and build us up stonger”. The bible also says that “chance and misfortune happen to them all”. In your case either your poor choices have led to your ill fate, or perhaps God has a hand and is softening your heart for greater things. I would not say you are going against God by taking a more active role in your life to turn and  make it more positive. If you like I have some friends who could email with you and who would be better at such positive encouragement. Seek love, let it flourish in your life, and strive to avoid the negative. I myself have felt a spiritual loss when I made a mental decision against God’s direction, but still feel he is looking over me and his hand is working to save me from trouble. You seem you are in a very tough situation and I could only suggest you focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative, for dwelling on the negative helps it flourish. There has been an explosion in awareness recently concerning the power of positive thinking, and perhaps you could find some good reading on the net to help you change your frame of mind, which in turn could lead to changes in your life which will help it move towards the more positive. God cannot necessarily change all the conditions around you, because he would have to take control of many factors and other people’s lives, which he does not do, because he respects our free choice. But he could try and open a door for you to help you escape from your trap, but you would need to seize that opportunity and run through the door yourself. For example, yes, God parted the Red Sea for Isreal, BUT: they had to cross that expanse; they had to cross it on faith, believing that the walls of water would not come crashing down on them; they had to get there in the first place, 40 years through the desert going through enemy territory, again on faith; and lastly, after many years of suffering under the Egyptians, God finally “heard their crying and wailing” and decided to raise a saviour for them. But he proved too proud, killing two Egyptians to defend a Jew. God prefers to show his power through the weak, so he sent Moses into the desert and then brought him back when he was old and weak. The Jews were not contrite and kneeling, asking for God to send all the Egyptians away so they could stay comfortably in their homes (if they did that is not how God answered their prayers). No, they had to uproot themselves from all that they knew, abandon their security and follow an old man, a cloud during the day and a ball of fire at night. Be receptive to opportunities and take advantage of them, after weighing them carefully. I am a man of action and can only encourage you to try to take your life into your own hands and take some steps yourself. Taking your life is not the correct action and is giving up. I will continue to try and encourage you to take steps towards the better. Karel

 Thanx for your time and consideration. It seems like you misunderstood me thou. I never gave God the blame for my weakness. I made every mistake by myself and im paying for that every day of my life,as it should be. Ive never excused myself. My point is that as i understand it, we all make mistakes and God is a God of forgiveness. I have tried to feel and see God in and around me but to no avail. Yes im the weak good for nothing humanbeing. But I do not remember killing my mother,father or sister,neither being at fault for my sister losing her job. All im asking is give me a small brake in live,or is that just too mutch? 

If you would like to ask for advice, feel free to write to me through my contact form.

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