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Addicted to Cutting Herself

Ok. Well I’ve never really told anyone my whole story or anything so I don’t exactly know what to say or where to start. Around my sixth grade year I started feeling really down all the time and was just really struggling emotionally, although I never really noticed it as anything other than normal until my freshman year in health class when we were talking about depression and I was answering yes to quite a few of the questions. After that I became aware of some of the emotions I was struggling with on the inside for all those years but never paid any attention to. The first time I ever cut myself was once in 6th grade, but not again until I was in high school. After I cut again in high school, it quickly became a habit. At some points I was self-harming multiple times every day. I couldn’t get out of this cycle of having some emotion I didn’t know how to deal with, hurting myself, feeling guilty afterwards and asking God for forgiveness still hating myself for it, and then turning around and doing it again. My best friend at the time noticed something different about me and eventually saw some of my scars and asked about them and I told her I hadn’t been feeling good for awhile now and was hurting myself because I didn’t know what to do. We tried to deal with it alone for a long while. It got to the point where things were so dark in my life, I would do just about anything to get even 15 minutes of not having to feel the way I was or think about my problems. I didn’t see it, but my friend was also getting burnt out and just wanted minutes of relief wherever we could find it, and for awhile, we were finding it in sexual activity that went way beyond any friendship ever should. It eventually became too much for her (still telling me she was ok and wanted to help me) and she fell into depression and began cutting as well. She didn’t tell me for awhile, but the minute she did I immediately felt that it was my fault and I never wanted to talk to anyone again about my problems.To this day I still feel as if her depression and decisions to self injur are were my fault. She eventually decided that my problems were too much for her to handle so she told my mom, who was mad and disappointed in me. I was forced to talk to a counselor once a week and was also put on medication. At that time, I didn’t think I needed help and wasn’t ready to use the counseling to help. I often lied during the sessions or just didn’t tell my counselor everything. I felt like even more of a freak having to go to counseling and take medication. I eventually got out of the counseling and am no longer on medication. For awhile I thought things were getting better, I went almost a year without hurting myself, but then slipped right back into it even worse than before, but I was too scared to talk to anyone about it. Today I do not struggle with hurting myself like I did then. I do cut every now and then when I just can’t seem to get control of myself or feel like there’s no hope so there’s no reason I shouldn’t, but I know I am not addicted to it anymore and if given a good reason of hope, could stop. The biggest thing I am struggling with is getting over all of this. I hate myself and I feel like a horrible person. I know that one of the biggest keys to getting over this is being open about it; telling someone your whole story. You can’t be set free when you live in shame, hiding things from everyone. And that’s where I lose hope. I have a really hard time talking to people in general, but especially when it comes to my problems and the mistakes I made. I told myself that because I can’t talk and be open with people, I wasn’t ever going to get over this and that is why I continue to hurt myself. I feel like there’s no reason for me to stop if I am never going to get over this. I have also really been struggling at getting angry with myself. Sometimes I cut because I am mad at myself and I feel like I should be punished. I get really frustrated with myself when I think about why I cut or why I feel the way I do. Most of the time I don’t really know what I’m feeling and can’t sort out my many emotions, but I often think I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do. I shouldn’t be depressed, especially because I am a christian. I have read alot of stories about other people who have self injured and alot of times it is because they have gone through something traumatic, such as rape, abuse, divorce, etx. But I never have and so I get really angry at myself for doing the things I have. I feel like I have had a really good life and family and so there’s no reason that I should have ever hurt myself and so I feel really stupid. Sometimes I hurt myself because I’m so angry at myself for hurting myself in the first place. I know it sounds stupid but I just get so frustrated because I can’t figure out why I am depressed or feel the way I do, even if I don’t know what that feeling is. Right now I am just really confused about a lot of things. Sometimes I want more than anything in the world to just talk to someone about all of this, but at the same time I’m too ashamed to tell anyone and I have never really had a close enough friend to talk to stay in my life long enough for me to trust them and be comfortable enough to tell them my story, so I usually just withdraw from everybody and sit in guilt and hatred of myself wondering if things will ever be different. I want to be completely free from my past but I feel like I first need to know why all of these things came up and why these things happend and even then I don’t know if I could take the steps necessary to get past all of this.

 

wow, I have to admit that this is interesting. I would need to know more to help you, but here is my first guess based on what you wrote. Did someone important to you, let’s say in your early childhood, say something that made you feel bad about yourself that you feel you need to punish yourself? Perhaps some hypnosis therapy could help you uncover this if you are afraid to look deep inside yourself for the problem. Otherwise, if you cannot afford that then perhaps meditation and self reflection could help you find out why you feel you need to do this. We can talk about this together if you like and just talking about it may help you pull away the peels of the onion. It seems like you feel bad that something is your fault and you feel a need to punish yourself to make up for it. If you did do something wrong, Jesus says that “forgiveness heals”. You can focus on forgiving yourself and move forward. If someone you deeply love blamed you of something, you can apply the same forgiveness. Forgive them by understanding why they might have said that, and forgive yourself, and start focusing your thoughts towards a more positive direction rather than to be stuck in a negative loop which will only reinforce itself over time. If you do not understand why you are blaming yourself of something, it will be harder to break away from this loop, because your unconscious mind will keep blaming you. But your unconscious mind can be reprogrammed, and you can take control of your life and actions. You just need to get to the root of the situation. Perhaps try meditating a little every morning and speak to your unconscious self to find out what the problem is. Listen quietly to your inner self to find the truth, while focusing your thoughts towards the better. Like praying. This is the best I can think of and I would be glad to help you find out the root.

 

Oh yes, and yesterday it occured to me that you should be praying a lot. It potentially seems you have a destructive spirit influencing you, so pray to Jesus to protect you from all evil spirits and keep praying that over and over. Perhaps that will help you. Karel

 

 

Sorry, I don’t know why it didn’t send right. I will try to just send it

again…

 

 I guess the main thing I can think of people in my early childhood making me feel bad about myself is my mom and brother. First off, I’m not at all blaming any of this or what I’ve done on them. My mom has always been very strict and outspoken of exactly how she wants me to be and letting me know when I don’t live up to those standards. I know she always wanted the best for me and just wanted me to be all I can be, but being a perfectionist myself, I would already take my shortcomings and turn them into more than they should be. She would, and still does, often compare me to other people when she feels I’m doing what I should be doing, wearing what I should be wearing, etc. I see myself as alot more simpler than other girls my age, not wanting to go to all the parties and social activities, not wearing all the fancy “hip” dress clothes, not dating someone every year, and so on. If I got even a B in a class she was always like well this person got an A, why can’t you? She was just never very careful about her word choice and I feel like I’m always trying to live up to her standards and always failing. I just never felt like I was good enough for her and was such a disappointment to her. Especially when she found out I was cutting myself, she was so disappointed and I could tell. I wish she would have just been there and supported me a little more, but she was more worried about someone else finding out that one of her kids wasn’t “normal” and I know she was even mad at me at times about that. I know she loves me and wanted to help me, but I feel like she didn’t always help me in the best ways. And as for my brother, we just fought alot. For awhile I was a really angry child. I would scream at my mom, scream at my brother. Me and my brother would get into arguments all the time and they would quickly turn into fights. Being a boy and four years older than me, he won every time. Sometimes I would start the fight or agg it on, but he also had some anger issues and would sometimes just get angry over little things and would beat me up. One day we would be best friends and play outside all day together, the next we would be fighting terribly and would get into fights or he would hit me or hurt me somehow. I wasn’t really afraid of him or was ever really angry at him or anything, I guess I always just assumed that it usually was my fault. I never really considered it as him actually beating me up, I always just considered it as us getting in a fight. He would often times make fun of me as well so I took in negative perceptions about myself then too, and I usually believed them. Those are really the only things I can think of, but I don’t see them having any direct relation with my depression or cutting. And I would really appreciate your help trying to figure all this out. Thank you

 

Hi Karilyne,

 

I think this is PRECISELY the reason why you are having these problems. You love your brother and mother, you recognize their love for you (in spite of the shortfalls in their behaviour) and this is why you are defending their behaviour and putting the blame on yourself. It actually seems a reasonably close match to my own childhood and, with your permission, I’d like to forward this conversation to my sister for her input. She had it real tough as well, and our mother is also very demanding. If I came home beaming that I got an A+ in math, she’d say, “Oh yah, but what did you get in history or English?” Since then I’ve had some pretty heavy emails with her how I developed a complex, how I managed to pull my self-esteem out of all that negativity (which became significantly worse when she remarried, and I got similar treatment from my father), and it has taken her decades to reprogram herself not to constantly pester me about every little thing. It is the nature of a control freak. Yes, there is a lot of love behind it, but other, bad characteristics as well, such as power hungry, manipulative qualities, and so on.

My sister pulled out of it too, now we are good friends, and I think she could give you some valuable input and encouragement. You have to find your own strength, keep building on that, and separate yourself from the constant, negative input. Years of negative input become ingrained and self-reinforcing to the point that you repeat them to yourself, and believe it to the core of your being. But it is not true. Everyone has some imperfections and it is not about being perfect but about being comfortable with yourself and focus on your strong points. There are many books on positive thinking now, and I translated one myself. The brain is programmable and, although it seems strange, you can climb out of this pit by telling yourself positive things (so much that you do not give yourself any opportunity to say negative things to yourself). Your unconscious mind will eventually believe it and start to rip out the roots of poison buried deep within, replacing it with nice smelling flowers. If you cannot get away from this negative input it will be much more difficult for you. Eventually, once you feel more comfortable with yourself and have a stronger footing, you can try to approach your mother and brother and explain to them the psychology behind your past actions, and that it is important for you that they are more supportive, and that they grow up and not think so selfishly. I am sure your mother will get angry at the thought that any of this is even remotely her fault, so you will have to try to plan your wording and approach very carefully. But her blaming and focus on your weaknesses will simply have to stop. It is NOT productive. The human spirit is like a plant or flower, that needs love/sun and water/nurturing. Sure, a tough childhood can make one tougher, try harder, and eventually become a successful millionaire, but not all rich people are content with their lives, being so obsessed with overcoming their childhood traumas.

 

Keep plugging away at it! Karel

 

I’m all for thinking more positively about myself and working on my negative thoughts but is it absolutely necessary to approach them with this? I don’t think I would ever be able to bring myself to do that? and yes I’m ok with you forwarding the conversation to your sister, I will take any help I can get!

 

That is why I suggested you approach them when you are ready, which could take years. In the meantime, you should get out of your negative environment and surround yourself with positive, and begin to reprogram your subconscious. If you cannot or do not want to leave this environment it will be more difficult. I am sure your mother and brother would be deeply upset if one day you slipped with your cutting and it became fatal. They would have rather learned about your problem and helped you. So if you do decide to stay, I think you will have problems dealing with this yourself and you should try to think of a way to approach them. When I was young I suggested to my parents to send me to a psychiatrist, because their views were so utterly absurd I wanted to get a third opinion and find someone credible who could explain to them the error of their thinking. To a large degree they are still stuck in the same rut, although they have improved a lot. But I held onto my convictions, and eventually they sent me to a boarding school (on my suggestion) because I became simply intolerable. I am not one to give up. My sister was livid angry she could not come with me, but it was an expensive place, they couldn’t afford the both of us, and she was manageable.

Anyway, it was a long climb out of that pit of low self-esteem but we both succeeded, once we got out of that environment.

If you cannot or do not want to, you can try to appeal to their compassion, or simply confront them by showing them what you are doing to yourself, admit you have a problem, and if they care about you at all they should do something about it, otherwise they may never see you again.

These are just ideas, but over the years, as I’ve managed to climb out of my unconfidence pit, I’ve become increasingly intolerant to people treating me in any negative way. I do not respond back the same but simply express my point of view, and many of my friends have tried their very hardest to change their natural behaviour, and succeeded. For the few that couldn’t be bothered, I could not consider them my friends and moved on.

 

Karel

 

Hey Karilyne,

 

I know how you are feeling and my brother was absolutely right to send your question to me, with your permission. I just want to preface my reply by saying that I am not as avid a follower of the Bible as Karel is. I believe in God and the Ten Commandments and live my life in a Christian way, but I find sometimes in the Bible ideas phrased in ways that I don’t quite agree with. I don’t think that matters in particular but I think its fair that you should know.

 

I also want to say that I didn’t know my brother was providing this kind of service, and am very heartened to find out. Back when we were kids if someone had told me that this selfish, self-centred little monster was going to reach out to people to offer help and support I would have never believed it! You can take that as proof that even the worst of circumstances WILL CHANGE. That however dire things may seem or however trapped you might feel, it will not be that way forever.

 

There are some eerie similarities of your story to my own, and as someone much older who went through it I am happy to share with you what I can.

 

I am going to reply to sections of your correspondence with Karel as things occur to me, then offer what insight I can later.

 

you say you felt responsible when your friend started cutting; it seems to me that you are infinitely hard on yourself but forgive others everything. I notice you don’t complain that your friend blabbed to your mom, despite everything you had to go through (unwilling counselling and meds). It may be that your perspective is a bit skewed, that you expect far more from yourself than from others. This kind of pressure is insurmountable and destined to bring feelings of failure, which serves only to continue your cycle of self harm.

 

I can only estimate how old you are but it seems you’re in the latter years of high school?

 

you say you get more angry with yourself because you are cutting but you haven’t been through anything as traumatic as rape or abuse. It is important to know that everything is relative, our condition and our view of ourselves comes from the context of our lives. It doesn’t matter if your experiences are not AS traumatizing as that of others, it matters that it is happening to you and you are suffering for it.

 

“never had a close enough friend” is not the best way to think of your situation. Our friends are there for us, such as they are able, to hear us and give us a release. But they are not professionals, and when we talk often about our pain they also feel pain because they love us. it is a delicate balance. your description of your friend above seems that she did as much as anyone so young and untrained could do. Don’t criticize yourself for your choices, and don’t blame yourself for the limitations of others. They are only human beings after all, as are you, and have their own problems and struggles.

 

your search to find someone to talk to is healthy, too bad you had the negative experience with the counsellor that you were forced to go see. I think if you try again, independently, without involving your family, you will find the effort more successful. Proceed in small steps, it might be easier to write first — on the anonymous internet — my brother and I are here to listen/read. But our advice can only go so far, and a trained person would be better able to guide you to both understanding yourself and stopping this cycle of behaviour.

 

When I was a kid and felt things were at their most dire I used to write it out. Reems and reems of paper. Blabbering all my problems and anger and confusion. Its easy because you know you’re never going to show it to anyone and you don’t have to be judgemental or hard on yourself because you’re only writing about your feelings. If it seems to you like you need an audience then address the letter to God or Jesus. Your concerns will be heard either way.

 

The best part is once you’re done you can just throw it away. (the worst part was when my brother used to invade my room when I wasn’t home and found some stuff I wrote then told our dad in Colorado that I “hated him”. that was not helpful).

 

The first question in Karel’s reply to you holds the key: I notice you have not mentioned a father at all. Uncovering the deepest wounds, even if it is something as seemingly banal as your father leaving when you were young, will take you a far way to understanding your situation now.

 

Also, I agree with Karel about the meditation. To me this is critical for everyone whether struggling or not. Our childhood, which my brother has touched on and I will go into more detail later, was full of instability and traumatic events. I grew up with what I now describe as a very “jangly” spirit. Always frazzled, always feeling like I was on the verge of collapse/meltdown/deconstruction. It has taken me a very long time to find peace within myself. Meditation exercises are good, start with short periods of time then eventually stretch it out longer. I find getting in touch with nature incredibly helpful, a walk at the beach or in a real forest does wonders! Celebrate the rain, that kind of thing.

 

Also animals are excellent for healing. I suggest going to volunteer at your local SPCA, they are always looking for people to take the dogs for walks. Its not a commitment like you have to own a dog or anything. Plus, taking the focus off yourself and your troubles for a while, and frolicking in the park with a happy puppy will do wonders for your frame of mind.

 

in your reply to Karel you say you’re not blaming your mother or brother. So why are you blaming yourself?? You are just as much a human being as they are, if you can find it in yourself to forgive them their errors then surely you can for your own self as well. You mustn’t offset the errors of others to yourself, if you truly forgive them then forgive and let it go. Instead it seems like you have taken their guilt and put it on yourself.

 

your comment about being a perfectionist about yourself . . . I think that, coupled with your mother’s overcriticism is one root to your problem. Try not to evaluate yourself in relative terms. Try not to “judge” yourself according to what others are or have done. You mother’s, and our mother’s, way of doing so was incredibly harmful. If you studied hard for an exam and didn’t do as well as you wanted then tell yourself you will do better next time. If you think you did well, even it if wasn’t a 95% but it was a hard exam and you are pleased with yourself, don’t let anyone take that away from you! Keep that feeling of “well done!” regardless of what anyone says.

 

I can totally relate to that part of your situation, it was the exact same for me. Karel’s description of our mother, “yes but how did you do in English?” is exactly right. She had a maddening way of deflating any good sense of ourselves that we may have been able to muster up in our small children’s bodies. By the time I was a teenager I learned to use absolute measurements for my efforts:

 

Did I do better than last time?

 

Did I try my best?

 

Was I truly focussed and engaged in whatever I was doing at that time?

 

Think of your endeavours this way instead of “Other people did better than me” or “I wanted an A”. If your evaluation of yourself is relative then you will essentially never be satisfied.

 

Celebrate the small victories: “I didn’t get an A but I went to every class and I did all the work. ” “I wasn’t the fastest runner but I did my best and I beat my previous fastest time”

 

Your mother’s criticism “So-and-so got an A, why can’t you?” speaks to her dissatisfaction with herself. Your mother is projecting her own feelings of failure on you. She wants you to do well but she is going about it the wrong way.

 

As a child and young person I was always very small, very lean. My mom plumped out quite a bit as a teenager and never really achieved the body she wanted after that. She used to hassle me SO MUCH about food, especially as I got close to my teen years. “Don’t eat that you will get fat” “Don’t eat standing up the fat will go to your legs” constantly constantly, even at the time it didn’t make sense to me. When I was in grade 7 they tested our body fat, mine was 11%, the lowest in the entire class including the boys including the tiny kid fromIndia!! Now she does the same thing, “Another glass of wine!!?” and she googles her eyeballs around like I’m some kind of booze hound, but meanwhile she herself has had at least two glasses of wine to every one I drink. She can’t control herself, she feels she has already failed, but she can’t admit it to herself and she overcompensates by taking it out on me. and Karel, but over different things. Our mother is an equal-opportunity criticizer, haha!

 

Again: your mother being horrified that you were cutting not out of concern for you but because she was worried what other people think. That would bother me too and make me feel like maybe I’m not worth very much. It is for each person to find and judge their own self worth, which brings us back to the meditation or walks in nature to help you find your centre.

 

RE: your older brother, Karel is only a year and half older than me so when he “beat me up” it didn’t real cause injury. Once in a while a bruise and the occasional Indian burn (do kids still do that? twisting the hands around the wrist sharply so the skin hurts and gets bright red). The problems my brother caused for me were more mental, stemming from the domination and bullying. Just like your brother, he always won, even if it wasn’t right.

 

It seems to me, in reading your letter, that you are trying to reconcile intellectually the way you feel when you think about your life. You say it “isn’t that bad” and you “shouldn’t complain”. I can see what you mean, but we can’t dictate to our feelings from our brain. Trust me, this I know very well. I couldn’t understand what was going on in my house AT ALL. How could my mother be so thoroughly dissatisfied with me every single day when I was doing all the housework, laundry, pre-preparation of food for dinner, plus essentially being an unacknowledged babysitter for my dysfunctional brother PLUS I was taking swimming lessons, walking peoples’ dogs for money (I never got an allowance despite being responsible for scrubbing the toilet and keeping the kitchen clean) and I wasn’t even 10 years old!! It just didn’t make sense and trying to figure it out made me more crazy than the actual situation.

 

When our mom got re-married I developed a pre-ulcer, before I was 12 years old I almost had an ulcer. I used to throw up all the time, not like bulemia sticking my finger down my throat, my stomach was ALWAYS upset and it took a very little of the wrong kind of food to get me throwing up all night. I couldn’t UNDERSTAND my situation so I internalized it. You take your confusion and anger out on yourself by cutting, I punished myself with mental anguish, stomach problems, eventually migraines.

 

If I were you I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to approach my family either, to talk about it. What Karel says about things getting ingrained is quite true, but he misses the point — I think — in how it is for you in your house. There is a prevalent mood, that has been built up over the years, and as the youngest you have the least voice. I learned very early not to bring my problems to my family because they would laugh in my face. Literally. They made things so much worse when they knew what my concerns were. If they found something that they considered a weakness they would bring it up over the next few weeks, especially if they could sense I was feeling down or low. My brother and my mother’s new husband used to poke fun at me at how I ate, at the dinner table they would call me “garburator” and laugh and point. I had train-tracks braces on all my teeth. How could I have possibly come to the very people that were responsible for the worst of my pain and open myself up to discussing that which THEY WERE CAUSING!

 

Absolutely not. I do wish I had someone impartial to talk to, it would have helped a lot. Back then there weren’t as many services, as children we were told if there was something going on to talk to a teacher or to your doctor. But I knew if I did that they would drag my mother in and I would proceed to get into serious trouble for giving people the impression that there was a problem in our family. Even though she made is ABSOLUTELY impossible to talk about with her.

 

Do you see where I’m going with this? For your whole life people will act on you in ways you don’t like. Even as an adult. It is for every person to find the truth of themselves for themself. That is what makes you strong, and secure in yourself.

 

I differ from  my brother in the scope of advice: I suggest you find ways to release the pain, to dig down into the truth of yourself, to discover the root of problems, and to understand your pain and your problems without your family. Karel is right to say that in time you will be able to bring it up but I don’t think that that is the place to start.

 

You seem to have a good perspective, when you say others have suffered much, much more than you. Rather than being hard on yourself “What is my problem its not that bad!?!” you could put your energy into helping others. If you volunteer at a senior’s centre, go read to kids in the hospital, help clean up an abandoned city lot, as I said walk dogs for the SPCA . . . whatever. When you involve yourself with others you will both gain perspective and quite possibly find someone not intimately related to your life to talk to. We find it easier to unload on strangers, sometimes, than on our family and our closest friends.

 

The bonus to this strategy is that you don’t have to explain in detail where you are going for several hours a week. If and when you find your own counsellor, in whatever form that person will be, it might be more difficult to explain to your family. But saying, “I’m off to do my volunteer hours at the library/hospital/senior’s centre/community centre/park/SPCA!” does not invite unwanted questions.

 

They say when kids are the subject of bullying, that the best solution is to get them involved in the community, outside of school. When kids realize that there is a whole world out there, that everything does not revolve around the kids at school and what they might think, they stop caring so much about what the bullies say, gain confidence, and get better. A lot better, Quickly.  I suggest that for you. Get some distance from the situation with your family so you can see how others’ live, think about things a bit more impartially, and start to focus on yourself as a person rather than as the recipient of the actions of others.

 

Get into meditation, and eventually your won’t feel as horrified about talking about things with your family. When you get around to it, starting small is good, “Why do you sayI should have gotten an A instead of being happy with the grade I got?” or, if you’re feeling cheeky and have that kind of relationship with your mom, when she says, “So and so is wearing this kind of clothes/got an A why can’t you” you can say, “If so-and-so jumped off a bridge should I do it too?” then laugh. Laughter is excellent medicine.

 

This is really long, sorry! I’m a writer, what can I say words come easily to me and I was quite struck by your story so really want to help, as much as I can anyway.

 

-Keta

 

In reply to your other message, just being at college has helped me alot. It is a much more positive environment for me and I am there way more than I am at home. There I am surrounded by people who suppport me in a more positive way and it has been very beneficial to me. Although they don’t know my story or my struggles, they are a good support for me without them even knowing it. One big struggle I’m having at college is that I’m afraid to be me. For years I have been considering myself as a cutter, that’s who I am. And although I never used to be nearly this shy, I have been “playing shy” so that I don’t have to talk to or meet many people. I’m afraid that people are just going to be able to see right through me and know who I really am and all the mistakes I’ve made and that they’re going to look down on me for it. I do everything I can to avoid talking to or even having to confront people. In big crowds I just keep my head down and hope that no one even notices me, and that’s not how I used to be. I would like to be more outgoing, the way I used to be. I don’t want to hide from all this anymore. I’m just scared to show people I guess, I’ve been just kind of tossed to the side by many close friends before and I guess I’m just afraid that I’m not good enough for anyone and they will just do the same.

 

Also, should I reply to Keta?

 

It’s up to you if you’d like to respond to Keta. Seems to me that you are on the right track and that you just need to keep moving forward and not get down on yourself. I understand how it is difficult to get away from the cycle of putting oneself down, and I still do it myself occasionally, but when I catch myself I say “no!”, and then compensate by saying some positive things about myself. Over time you will heal. Keep your faith, pray a lot, and seek positive reinforcement. Find your inner strength and don’t be so dependent on others. If someone discards you, as you say, don’t take it personally and simply move on. As you heal you will become less shy and feel better about yourself. If you have money you could try the hypnosis thing, cause there seems to be a knot in your subconscious that needs unraveling. University students can be immature but mature people can always be found – ones with whom you can discuss personal issues. Perhaps there are special groups for that. Maybe you could even try AA, cause it’s a bit similar, and they get up to the podium and discuss their problems. You do not have to go up but just listening to others talk about their deep problems and how they have overcome them might help and inspire you.

 

Karel

If you would like to ask for advice, feel free to write to me through my contact form.

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