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Feels Possessed and Wants to be Free of Devil’s Grip

Hi Karel, thank you for writing me back 🙂 I enjoyed reading on your website and how you feel spiritually. It’s hard to know where to start because I don’t know if I should go back into the past or not but since I don’t know you personally, and could never tell someone face to face or over the phone I’ll just go with it. I’ve told a few friends my story and they just seem to shake their heads. My closest friend is also depressed. She grew up with dysfunction but nothing like mine. She said she doesn’t know how I got by this far without doing heavy drugs. Well I smoke ciggarettes and when I quit once it felt great but when the pain hit it hit hard. Sometimes the past comes back to haunt me and I’d like to live a chemical free life but I feel a build up and don’t really know how to let it go. People tell me to let go and let God but I don’t know what to say or who to talk to about this. The worse happened when I was young and I know it has to do with why I fail at relationships. My Father was locked up far away and my Mother was an angry Christian woman, cursing men and then cursing God. When my brother was young Dad was still here and he asked my brother if he said he didn’t believe in God he would buy him a bicycle. So he kept giving my brother things and turned him into an atheist. My brother struggles to get spiritual to this day. He’s 36 now. Mom took her anger out on my brother and my brother tortured me for it. I wanted his attention so bad and needed that male role model but he hated me because Mom loved me more. I was the good child so it was easier to love me but being good came with an expense. I was always bored and empty and depressed. Mom took me to Church and at one point I got realy close to God, so close that I spoke in tongues with the rest of the adults. I was only 8 years old. At ten years of age my Cousin took me out of Church and begged me to have sex with him. He told me he loved me and that I was pretty and all that but the idea of sex made me sick. I was too young to enjoy it. After some time he told me he wouldn’t hang around with me and I had No one in my life so I said yes. He took me in the basement. His parents went to church but they didn’t watch us, they never checked up on us. And Mom left me there because she had to work. I remember the smell, the pain and the places I’d go to in my mind and the feeling of worthlessness it left in me afterward. Two years later he found a girlfriend and it broke my heart. I was terribly confused and didn’t understand how I could be broken hearted over something that made me so sick inside. Just confused. Then my brother started warming up to me and tried to give me the keys to life, all the good advice and then he moved away. Mom got worse and I had panic attacks in school because I asked this kid to have sex with me so that I could feel like I had sex with someone normal and I told my best friend and she turned her back on me and told everyone I said I was raped. THe kids in school threatened to kill me. These crazy stories continued and I wound up dropping out of school after being hated and feeling so cursed but the real world just got more tough, I kept having boyfriends but I couldn’t open up my heart to them I just got angry and didn’t understand how the other couple’s I saw could have such happy, devoted relationships. Then at 22 I met my true love and he did love me very much. I told him what happened with my Cousin and he felt it was tragic and that I should confront my Cousin about it and my family. So I confronted my Cousin and he is a drunk and very selfish and siad he sitll wanted to marry me. I felt like I was in hell. THen I told my family and they were shocked and gave excuses like these things happen it’s no one’s fault. So the whole family knew and I finally told my Brother and he tried helping me, but even with that validation from my true love and my brother I could not open up to my true love. I still am very numb and when I still try to get into relationships I wind up falling right back out of them again. I pushed my true love away to the point where he found someone else years later and left me. My behavior got worse, I went out and drank and kept trying on relationships then got to the point where I said to heck with it, I just had lovers. 6 months ago I decided I was being used and using others and it made me feel ashamed for the first time so I stopped having sex altogether. I feel like the devil had a hold on me and he still does because I get guys who drive by my house, send me perverted messages and want to get with me and I am a changed person. Still, inside I feel the hold. I went to church a while back and everything was great for a few weeks. The people in church told me I am special and that I will wind up helping many people find God. They wanted me to play guitar in church and I started to make real friends who really cared. THe people in church do lots of fundraising and help people in 3rd world countries, even brought them back here to America where they could be free. My church experience didn’t last long when one night they had us drink and eat the flesh and blood of Christ. I drank the wine and started to eat and this huge ball of pain just rose up in my throat. All the ministers were up in the front together praying. One of the pastors was staring dead at me. He saw something in me. I felt like I was possessed. I started crying profusely, having a panic attack. Every ounce of fluid in my body just came up through my head and out I was shaking and felt the urge to vomit. And actually sat through it but I knew I didn’t belong there. Deep inside I think the devil has a hold on me. Every time I try to reach out and have a pure life, something always gets me. It feels like the boogey man and I don’ feel like I did anything to deserve this when I was young but I know that my behavior as an adult is extremely punishable and I am living in hell for it. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope it wasn’t too heavy for you. I’d like to know what you think, if there is anything I can do to be redeemed or if you think I am possessed. An old friend told me once that he felt I was possessed by the demon of lust. If this is possible, how would I go about casting out that demon? What would you recommend as a next step from celibacy to get closer to God? And if this is at all possible, would I be able to get rid of the anger and numbness toward men and be able to feel love even though I could never feel it before?

Hi Jenny, wow, yah, that’s pretty heavy indeed. I’d say you could indeed be possessed and hope you find a church of good people who could help you. Perhaps the one you mentioned. They can all pray to throw the devil out of you and it depends on their faith, or yours (you can also try this yourself). If they throw him out its supposed to be good that they “lay their hands” on you afterwards. As if Christ would pass through them into your body and set up shop and a fortress so the devil can’t come back. As mentioned in the bible. You or someone says “In the name of Jesus Christ, I command all evil spirits to leave her/my body.” Apparently Satan can strangle your throat and prevent you from uttering these words. Once he’s removed you need to fill (you can invite them yourself) your vacuum shell with Jesus / the Holy Spirit, to prevent the devil coming back stronger (bible mentions it can be easily ten times stronger and he brings back with him a legion of demons). He obviously doesn’t want to let you go. Once you are filled with the Holy Spirit try your hardest to remain holy as long as you can, or forever, by not sinning and pushing out the good, holy spirit(s). Abstain from any sex, alcohol, cigarettes or other pollution of God’s temple (your body). If you try as long as possible it will take a greater hold of your life and more firmly plant itself within you. If in the future you are like a “dog always returns to its vomit” and reintroduce pollution and sin back into your temple, at least you will have a stronger footing and not feel a great need to sink back to the bottom of the sewer. You should feel better and stronger about yourself, so fight the good fight sister, ban that naughty fellow from your body and fill your soul with the light of love.

Good luck, Karel

Thank you for giving your everything in replying to my terrifying letter. I never told anyone my whole story. May God bless you a thousand times over! I read up on different Church denominations to see which ones will pray over me like that and if anything happens they won’t flip out? And if that particular denomination enjoys praising, singing and real spirit filled worship because I am very expressive. What kind of church do youlike to attend and why? I read that Charismatic churches deal with demons? Ever since you wrote me that letter I feel much better inside, armed and ready for the break through. Thank you again!!

Hi Jenny,

yah, that’s why I started this service, because I figure most people can reveal deep things about themselves to an anonymous stranger on the internet than their best friends or a shrink in person. You don’t risk losing your friends, who you fear might think you are a total freak and feel uncomfortable around you in the future, perhaps gossip and eventually distance themselves; and then you might spend a lot of money developing a trust with the shrink.

Anyway, I was first “turned on” to Christianity at a charismatic church. Before that I was like an atheistic ice-cube, but it honestly moved my heart. It was a good congregation with lots of good, spiritual energy. It melted my cold heart and it was undeniable. But I’ve always been more receptive to that, because that is the way God created me. To draw me to him. Not everyone has this I believe.

So yes, I’d say charismatic churches would tend to more likely help with this. You don’t need a stamp from theVaticanto exorcise a demon. You need enough faith. There is a story in the bible of some believers who were going around doing that, until they met a group of demons who said, “We know who Jesus is, but who the hell are you?”, and proceeded to beat the living crap out of them. So it’s not something to be toyed with, but if the church has its heart in the right place, and is not there just to put up a show (which many can), their faith should be enough. Worst case scenario their faith will not be strong enough, or they are weak, and their faith will be seriously challenged. But people often need to be woken up from their slumber and challenged, so I would suggest you go ahead and try it yourself and/or pursue outside help like that. In any case, it should only turn out good, because you will hopefully find yourself within a good support group that will encourage you and help you.

Karel

If you would like to ask for advice, feel free to write to me through my contact form.

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