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Raped as Child and Finds it Difficult to Break Out of Own Shell

hey i was raped as a kid this is someone else letter but its say the way feel & i want some advice on it pleases help your my last attempt to save myself . I never told a soul. It wasn’t that I was afraid of telling, I just remember thinking that every kid experienced that and it was a normal thing. I didn’t understand that what happened was wrong and what kid would, if you were raped by a person you trusted. I began having nightmares and experimenting with other kids. Yep, I kissed girls and boys as a kid. So, I guess I would be kind of considered bi-sexual. I never saw anything wrong with it but, I as I grew older I did. I never went as far as sex, and to this day I have a phobia of sex. Back to the nightmares’ topic. These nightmares (not nightmares just flashbacks for me)were actually flashbacks that would be in first-person to then, third-person view. One minute I was an outsider looking in then, to being in the body of the little girl.I would end up sleeping with my parents because of my fear of being alone. ( as a kid i dittoed that) ….and am very sensitive to noises.As a child, I was a happy go kid before being raped I remember I liked attention and being with people. I’m not that way anymore, I tend to be more of a loner and I don’t like being in crowds, I get panic attacks. I’m also very sensitive to the topic of sex or abuse of any kind. I would rather not hear it because then, I feel that I need to do something about it…. I would rather not let my mom suffer over the fact she couldn’t protect me. I also know that my mom would go crazy and I am not emotionally ready for that. I want to tell her once I’m 18 . I want to be able to see someone over it without her knowing….I really could care less what happens to my rapist but, I know he won’t harm anyone else,(i dont think he would he was just 14 then)………I hundred percent believe that I mentally protect myself from things so who I am today is the person that I become to avoid the pain and trauma I felt as a kid.I think that my childhood self is lost inside me and the person I am today protects that side of me….. I don’t have a person I tell everything to, I’m a very private person….. I don’t like being in public a lot or having to know that I would one day I have to deal with a break-up. I rather avoid that until I find someone who I feel I could trust fully. I just haven’t yet… I just like being by myself … It doesn’t help that I’m stubborn and I don’t like help, and I feel sometimes, people will view me as weak over what happened to me. free-Christian-counseling-Afremov_NATURE_Original_Art_Oi_by_LeonidafremovIt is my only weakness that could be used against me. …I’m not sure how I should exactly feel about being rape…it bothers me I haven’t  told my family yet…..

This reminds me of MKULTRA, experiments of which the CIA claims to have stopped but which entail the use of drugs and trauma, including sexual, on young children. When faced with that a person, especially a young one, starts creating other personalities as a means to separate themselves from what is happening. At a certain point, when total separation is achieved, then they can start programming the subconscious and in this way create assassins and spies who can be triggered by certain words or visuals to perform their duty, while they are unconscious of what they are doing. So the other personality thing makes sense and I would speculate that talking about it with someone, being more aware of it yourself, coming to closer grips with it and facing it, and perhaps hypnosis or meditation could help unravel the knots your mind created deep inside as a protective mechanism. I’ve also had good experience with crystal healing where she unraveled my chakras, as that too can get wrapped up in knots. She opened them up and I’m much more relaxed now as a person. 

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