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Relationship with partner not working, angry, blaming God – advice on how to resolve relationship

My name’s An and I’m 18 years old. When I was 14 and then a year later, I met a guy from church who was 3 years older than me. We never talked, not even when he crashed his van and I was in the passenger seat. He didn’t say anything, and I didn’t either because I was too shy. 2 months after the accident, I went to a teenagers camp. I don’t remember a lot from it, only that he was saying to another guy that he doesn’t believe in coincidences, that God doesn’t work with coincidences, and then there was a moment when we exchanged looks, before I turned mine away as I do when I feel ugly and stupid – that is every time he looks at me. I thought I caught him staring at me a few times after that, but he never said anything to me. A few weeks after the camp, I started having these dreams about him. I didn’t know him, but I kept dreaming about him. I started to pray for him [because I knew that, although his parents were true followers of Jesus, he wasn’t] and his family [I really liked his other brothers, aged 4-7 at the time]. as I dreamt more of him and prayed for them, I think I started to see a connection between us. I always thought that my family and his were supposed to end up being connected somehow, probably because my uncle was supposed to marry his aunt, but their plans fell through weeks before the wedding. As I these dreams about him, he was away to another town for college, and we only saw each other sometimes, in church, where we exchanged looks. We didn’t talk in my dreams either, he would save me from something, or we would stay next to each other, trying to talk, but couldn’t. thing is, I really thought these dreams were from God, and that he was my special other. Still, he never ‘made a move’, so about 6 months after that I got involved with a guy who, I thought, was very similar to the one I had been obsessing over. We were together for a brief period of time, and I tried to be happy with him, and forget about the other. It all came spiraling downwards when he wanted to have sex with me, and I didn’t. well, more like I realized the only things holding me back were the fact that I felt really really ugly and that I didn’t want to lose my virginity like this, one afternoon when he had no better idea what to do. Then I broke up with him. About six months after that, in December, during a carol concert at our church, before Christmas, this boy I tried so forget came accompanied by an English girl who had been with us for the past summer camps, and I realized they were in a relationship. I sunk into depression for many months, and when she came back for 6 weeks I got to spend some time with her. It hurt me deeply, being with her and knowing he loved her, but I thought that hurting will be part of the healing process. during my depression I stopped praying and reading the Bible, questioned the existence of God, realized He existed no matter what my doubts were, then I was angry at Him for not allowing me to be instead of her. But during all this time, I came across as a good Christian, taking part in the children ministry, serving in church, taking part in services and youth group Bible study. I don’t think nobody knew that there was something wrong with me, because I would put up a smiling face, make people smile, laugh, crack jokes, just hiding everything. My parents never had a clue about what I was going through for the same reason. Only my 2 best friends knew something, and I seldom talked to one, and never to the other. she later told me that I came across like having a very dark aura, full of negative feelings and all, thing which I half dismissed because of the aura thing. During her stay here, I got to see him more, and we even tried to have actual conversations. However, if one said something, the other never responded. It was like we could not hear each other. After she went back to England, it was summer break and we had some children ministries at church with volunteers from the U.S. I was one of the 2 translators and got a lot of work to do. During those days I ‘regained’ my faith in God and is plan for my life, and tried to move on from the memory of this boy. I went to the same camp I went when I heard him talk about coincidences, and he was there, with his girlfriend, and it was painful, but I tried my best to act and be happy, I surrounded myself with people I liked and I tried to think that, for once, people could actually like me[my friends say I’ve got an inferiority complex, because I think I’m ugly, stupid, and not fun to be with, and that people don’t like me for who I am, but because I’m funny, and fun to be with at times]. I tried re-connecting with the girl who was my best friend before my depression, and whom I didn’t talk at all, because I was too busy hurting, and other people who still remained part of my life and thought themselves close to me, but had no idea what was going on inside me, or maybe didn’t want to get involved. But I got my act together a bit better as of the past summer and fall, and really thought I had forgotten about him. But every now and then I would still dream of him, and this, as it had always been, ended up leaving me confused: did I have feelings for him? Why did I still had these dreams? There were several times when I asked God for a sign, and I dreamt about him, but nothing conclusive, except one time, when I dreamt me and him were in his car and he told me he loved her and can’t live without her. In February this year I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour and decided to get baptized in march, when our church was planning on getting a baptism. After I received Jesus Christ, my prayers were for his guy, that he should be saved, and maybe get baptized with me, and we had catechesis [religious instruction given with a catechism in preparation for Christian baptism or confirmation] together, because maybe this was a way of clarifying my feelings. I forgot about this request I had made for a while. Weeks passed, and I couldn’t see anything happening in this direction. But the morning before my baptism, his mother brought the news, that he would be baptized, as he decided on doing this a night or two before. I was stunned, I thanked God but I didn’t know what to say about this decision. I thought there could have been several reasons for his baptism: to purpose to his girlfriend, who was to come back here 2 weeks after, to stop his parents’ pressure[they are like founding members of our church, and he’s 21, has never been come across as very close to God, not really being involved in church activities, or attending youth group, etc, and his father sometimes said in church that he encourages the ones who haven’t made the decision for Christ yet, including his son, to do it] and maybe his girlfriend’s. but I didn’t really think that he had a personal relationship with Jesus. I realized, that morning, that I would get what I had wanted, but I didn’t know whether God was giving me that, or if it was just … a coincidence. I have had this thought, that our destinies were somehow intertwined for so long, but I couldn’t read into this event in no way. The same morning, I asked God for an empty seat next to him, and I got it, but I felt uncomfortable and moved. And some time after that I wanted to have catechesis together, but I felt really awkward during the first lesson together, as he sat next to me. Again, could it be a coincidence, or is God showing me something? I still dream about him every now and then, and I want to give up thinking about him once and for all. I have asked God to take this problem into His hands, and to help me through it. The thing is, I don’t know if this is Godsent or not, if I should keep fighting it or give it a rest. I am sorry for the length of this E-mail, I wrote more so as to give you as good a picture about this chaotic chain of events as possible. I look forward to hearing from you. Lots of blessings, An.

Hi An, God does not control people, for which reason it is not always effective to pray that a relationship works out. God can move people’s hearts, but in these cases I think God would prefer not to tamper with people’s feelings with regards to long term relationships. So it is not fair to be angry at God if some relationship does not work out. And God is much more than about getting things or believing in him if things work out for you – it is about a spiritual quest and wisdom and understanding and love.

What concerns your relationship with this particular fellow, a few points come to my mind.

First of all, I recently translated a self-help book at the author had some interesting points. He said that the mind can be programmed. It will probably feel very strange to you but I suggest you try to program your own mind by telling yourself that you are pretty and only positive things. Force yourself to say this and trample over all your negative thoughts with the positive ones. Do not allow any room in your mind for the negative ones. Any time a negative one surfaces, force a positive one in its place. He did the same thing to himself about his obesity and eventually he lost an appetite for bread and pasta and eventually lost weight. The mind is an amazing thing. If you program your mind in this way eventually you will start to believe it, develop more self confidence, and your appearance will change as well. Someone can make themselves appear ugly if they are thoroughly convinced that they are, so you need to change this mentality. Then you will certainly stand a better chance with this fellow, or another one.

What concerns this fellow, I suggest you confront him, in one way or another. It is better to totally embarrass yourself and feel like the silliest fool than to spend the rest of your life in agony of, “What if, what if, what if.” At least this way you will know if it was meant to be or not, instead of suffering with an eternal question mark over your head. Or if not confront him at least try to become friends with him or something. You need to let these feelings out of your system somehow, and I would advise against trying to bury them or forget about them. You should let your heart be like a free bird and let it fly and soar where it wants to, otherwise you will live a crippled and painful life. Follow your dreams, jump into the unknown and experience life. It is much better than to cripple yourself in pain.

And continue to pray. Pray that God gives you the courage to follow your heart, and pray that he open your eyes to how pretty you are or can be. It may be difficult to believe in yourself and reprogram yourself, so another way is to put your faith in God and keep saying the same positive things, through God so to speak.

Hope this helps.

Dear Karel, yes I did receive your response, thank you so much for your prompt reply. I will definitely try and put your advices into practice. I can happily say that I am over my ‘angry with God’ phase now, because I understood that I was acting like a spoiled child, who was not given something he wanted; I thought I deserved everything I wanted, and that I knew what and when it was best for me. Fortunately, I have learnt and still learning to trust God with the good and the bad times and things coming to and going out of my life. I was wondering, do you have any thoughts on coincidences? Or the dreams I have had regarding him? It’s ok if you don’t, I have received good advice even so, but these were the main reasons I wrote to you. Keep up doing this work, I think there are a lot of people [like myself] who need a word of advice, or simply telling their story. Counseling and translating are two of the things I considered studying in college, and while I definitely won’t do counseling or psychology in university, I am still thinking about translation and interpreting [but that is so off-topic, I don’t actually know why I said it in the first place. ok, I remember now, because it’s my own twisted way of encouraging somebody. ok I’ll stop now]. Lots of blessings, and I pray for the Lord’s guidance over what you’ll do further. [also, if you don’t feel like it don’t respond to this E-mail, I told you previous my reasons for writing again] 😀

Hi An, no probs about writing to me, because I spend most of my time working on this computer, so occasional such “personal distractions” are often welcome.

Yes, it is certainly possible that you two are soul mates or that God is answering your prayers, and that God is speaking to you in your dreams, as the bible says he sometimes does, but I would suggest you try and get away from this way of thinking, because then it becomes easy to hide behind excuses and not do anything about it. Christ was a man of action, a leader, a revolutionary, and vocal to the point that the religious authority of the time had to kill him, yet it seems that so many Christians feel that following Christ is to float like a leaf in the wind and be passive sheep to all forces around them. If you want something you should make resolute to get it, and not just hum and haw and wonder if God will arrange everything for you. It is an excuse to inaction and a recipe for more probable failure.

If you would like to ask for advice, feel free to write to me through my contact form.

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